Spill Your Guts

I keep forgetting,

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 22:53:06 GMT

I keep forgetting to post things on here. I'm so busy with everything else, but I got the urge to write random thoughts and I didn't want to write them on facebook or tumblr, so they're going here. I haven't posted since February, and it's almost May. I can't remember most of what happened between now and then, but that's why I write down what I do in my agenda book!

Continuing from February, the random events of my life included: getting my permit, my uncle Mark's birthday party, Blink 182 getting back together, Justin piercing his septum, Justin starting vocal lessons, Ty coming to town to hang out with me and Justin and Pat and Joe, spending Valentine's Day watching Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind with Justin (after hanging out with him, Pat, and Ty briefly), hanging out with Keenan and James MUCH more, becoming close friends with Brandon (didn't really happen until March or so though), having the flu, a few boring snow days...

Now going into March: spending my six months with Justin and not having everything work out very well, the musical taking place and Confair being a bitch to the techies, St. Patrick's Day party at the Costello's with Keenan and Justin, my mom having surgery, going to James' track meets and a billion Buxbaum days, going to the Harbor with Justin and Brandon and Jeremy, Westboro Baptist Church protest, going to Taco Bell with Danica and Casey and Jake and Justin and Brandon and Jew...

Now going into April: hanging out with Tittybear and Danica and Keenan and Justin on the first day of spring break, my niece being born on April 4, spending time with Brandon and Asha and Pat, hitting the seven month mark with Justin, going out to dinner at Hibachi with Brandon and Justin and Keenan and James and Danica then going to watch Step Brothers at my house, photo field trip, spring pep rally, Shoe visiting, junior prom, hanging out with Pat and Phil, Relay for Life, and mucho more.

So today is Monday. Tomorrow won't be anything special, but Wednesday is James' track meet. Thursday me and Brandon and maybe Justin are going to the FBLA recruitment party because Brad told us to, and because I promised Ryan Schueler that I would. Friday after school is the NAHS coffee house and DeMarco's band is going to be playing, which is cool. Saturday I'm supposed to hang out with Keenan and James and Danica and Carey and Justin, possibly. That's the plan so far, but I have no idea what's going on with that. My aunt Karey is in town, which is always exciting. Next Tuesday and Wednesday are the final episodes of Scrubs ever. It's so depressing, especially since Wednesday is also my & Justin's eight months.

I've recently become addicted to tumblr, which is fun. I've been really tired lately and this week it's gotten realllyyy hot outside. I've become mega super close to my sophomores (James, Keenan, Brandon, Jeremy) and started talking to other people like Chrissy and Joey Wight more. Steve Grabner drove me to school today, haha. I recently went into a huge anime kick and started reading/watching old anime like Shaman King and Dragon Ball Z.

I've been really happy lately. Right now, I'm in such a lovey mood that all I want to do is be with Justin, all the time. I just want to drive around with him or walk places or just lay around. I want to watch movies and not pay attention because I'm too busy being distracted by him. I want to sit up and talk all night and fall asleep when the sun comes up. I want to get up and make breakfast with him in the morning, and make more of a mess than actual food. I want to be completely cheesy and ridiculous with him, haha. I've felt so good about us over the past few days and it just feels amazing to know how lucky I am to have him. I'll continue this Justin gushing later.

I realized...

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 04:19:20 GMT

A lot of what I posted in that last one I posted before. But I did remember more. The Steelers won the Superbowl! Keenan and James are still amazing, although stage crew has done absolutely nothing for the musical that's supposed to take place in three weeks. That's all on Confair, though. She's in charge, now. I auditioned for the musical when I was grounded just to say I did.
Justin made me the cutest fucking CD for Christmas ever, and it made me cry.
I'm finally starting to gain weight again, and I'm finally close to Shoe and Pat again. I'm working on my singing more and my mom still owes me a shopping trip from Christmas. My boyfriend got even more gorgeous over the past few months, which I didn't think was possible, haha.
I'm trying to be healthier and I'm working on looking better and finishing school work. I really need to get my act together. Justin said it right, this is the time that matters. This is where I could turn my life around. This is important, and I can't afford to mess it up.
I can get my liscense in August, then I can get a REAL job. It's hard to believe that in just two and a half more weeks, Justin and I will have been together for half a year. Sometimes it still feels like we just got together, but when I get all worried and insecure it's so easy to get over it now, because it has been over five months, and we are still ridiculously in love. He's honestly given me no reason to question or doubt him, and that's amazing to me. I don't deserve such an amazing guy.
Anyway, more later. I mean it this time.<3

I've been away for a while now...

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 04:12:52 GMT

The words are actually "awake for a while now", I believe, but oh well. The year is half over which means I've gone an entire quarter of the year not posting any of these things.
My life is going really well. Things feel together and I'm really happy with the way things are going. Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I woke up and walked to Pat's, hung out with him, Justin, and Ty, then we went to Justin's and watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Then I went out to dinner with my family at the new Hibachi Grill Buffet.
Friday was good. Mrs. Buxbaum drove me, Justin, and Pat to Justin's house. Half of my school is in Disney right now for music. Justin played guitar until his mom got home then we went to get Joe and met Ty at Barnes and Noble, then we walked around Towson and went to Green Turtle to eat. We got a bunch of appetizers and the waitress was being mean to Ty. Last Tuesday, Justin got his septum pierced. It looks really good on him. He also started vocal lessons on Thursday. Anyway, Friday we went to Legends and saw Alex Musick, then all went back to Pat's house and hung out and played Rock Band, then talked a while and Joe left, then I went home a little while later.
It was really nice hanging out with them. I finally have close friends again.
I got a lot of flowers this week for V-Day. I got one from Pat, one from James, 2 from Keenan, 2 from Peaches, one from Aryn, 12 from Justin, one from Danica, and more that I don't even remember.
I got my schedule changed mid-year, so now I have photo first period instead of third, so I have no classes with Justin, and third period I now have College Readiness Writing which I don't need to make up for ditching AVID.
In other news, I'm not taking Journalism next year out of pure hatred towards Mr. Mirchindani. Trey Hayes has cancer in his knee. My current best friends are: Justin, Shoe, Pat, James, Joe, Keenan, and Ivan.
When Shoe came back in December, we got really mad at Austin. Oh, and I didn't have my phone for the entirity of winter break because Mr. Hanmner took it the day before break during that stupid assembly and wouldn't give it back. I got to see my sister a lot, and Justin met all of my sisters and their crazy family.
I finally took drivers ed and got my permit. We had a Zombie Walk in October, which I don't know if I mentioned before. That was cool. I spent Halloween with Danica, James, and Kevin. I don't remember where Justin was.
Oh, and I should probably throw it in here, but I lost my virginity, haha. Well, I wouldn't call it lost, I would more say it was given away. That was the day after Thanksgiving. Oh, we ate Thanksgiving at home this year, just my family. That was pretty lame.
All of this is really out-of-order, I know. Oh well. Shit happens when you don't post for a really long time.
I wrote a lot of journal entries in December but I stopped somewhere a few weeks later.
I spent New Years with Pat and Justin and Pat's dad, Padre the Magical Roadie. It was pretty awesome. (:
Wow. A lot has really happened in the past few months. I hardly even noticed. But things are good, now, and I'm really happy. I adore my boyfriend, still, and I can't wait to see him. I'm working on self-improvement and enjoying every minute I have.
More later<3

The Sky is Yours

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 20:59:01 GMT

I don't know how an entire quarter of the school year has passed already. There's been a lot going on. The fall play went really well, despite sparks flying from speakers and lots of rape by James and Keenan. I've been going out wiff Justin for ten weeks, as of today, which is over two months, which is amazing. It still feels like the second or third week of school, even though it's already almost halfway through second quarter.
Justin and I had to make "I'm Sorry Steve Grabner" and "Steve Grabner is my Homeboy" shirts on Thursday to make up for not being in Steve's group on our photo field trip to Fells Point on Tuesday. Last night, me, Johnny, Justin, and Will went to see James Bond Quantum of Solace. I thought it was boring, but they liked it. Then we went to the mall and talked to Randy and Natalie and Nicole.
Gordo is coming back from Basic Training on December 20th, which, coincidentally, is when Danielle and Mike are flying in from Kansas. Danielle is now pretty preggo and they've got names picked. They get to find out the sex of the baby in about a week. I'm hoping it's a girl, because I like the name Bailey much more than the boring, traditional Sean Patrick. There are already enough Sean Patrick's in the world, honestly. But I'm excited to see them, all three of them.
I don't talk to Ashley as much anymore, and I don't see her as much. I'm talking to Pat Roche more again, and I've become pretty close to Keenan and James. We have an AVID field trip next Friday to the University of Maryland College Park. That'll be interesting, haha. I can't wait to spend the day with all of my AVID friends, although Ms. McQuillan has honestly been driving me crazy. Thanks to my dad's objection to the Flocabulary method of vocabulary, she's picked on me and criticized me more within the past few weeks. It's really irritating.
My dad still isn't working, and lately has been convinced that he's going to have a stroke. That's always fun. I've just been keeping myself busy with AVID, tech, Art Honor Society (the induction was Wednesday), the 8th grade open house which was Thursday (I hung out with Keenan and Mrs. Cooper and Nicole and some others.)
I spent Halloween with Danica, James, and Kevin. We went to the football game until halftime, then we went to Danica's and walked to Safeway to buy candy. Then me and Kevin hung out at her house. It was fun. James got distracted and wandered into some random yard, and they "did the fork in the garbage disposal" down the middle of the street. Haha.
Let's see, what else? Oh, Justin and I saw Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist a few weeks ago, on a Thursday when we didn't have school. Kara and I saw High School Musical 3 a week or two ago. I start driving school on Tuesday. The auditions for the Spring Musical are soon. Miss Confair is directing, and it's going to be Cinderella.
I'm talking to Kathleen a lot more again, and my computer and camera are both currently broken. It's a shame.
We had our AVID field day a few weeks ago. That was fun. I got to hang out with all of my little AVID buddies. And we duct taped Zeman to the basketball net. And me and DeMarco got to hang out.
Justin, Will, Dunkle, and DeMarco, a few weeks back, built what they called "The Bro Cave", which was a big pile of sticks and grass and leaves that resembled a cave, but they later destroyed it. I spent a lot of time with Ashley for a while, but that died down some.
We did a lot of work with the NAHS on Homecoming decorations. The theme was A Starry Night in Paris, which was gay. Voelker and Dursa wanted something fun, like Prison Shower, or Zombie Invasion.
Speaking of which, we had a thirteen-or-so person Zombie Walk in Towson a few weeks ago, that was pretty interesting, haha. Homecoming, by the way, was kind of lame, but it was fun all the same. I kissed Ashley? And two days before, Justin had been kicked really hard in the balls by Aryn Haeger and he was puking and pissing blood for a while, but he's recovered since then. Thank God, haha.
Kevin was one of my AVID tutors on Thursday, for Chemistry. That was fun. Chemistry as a class is a blast. Keenan sits behind me and I sit next to Ross. It's hilarious. Keenan often sports Aviators or a mask, and Mrs. Buxbaum argues with him a lot, but she loves us. Keenan got her to wear his Twinkie costume, which he wore to school on Halloween.
Last Friday there was a coffeehouse at school. It was alright. I hung out with Justin and Dawn and Eric Ra and for a bit Ashley. The band wasn't very good, but Mr. Voelker is hilarious. He was talking about how a certain coffee makes him like the Kool-Aid man and he smashes through walls. It was fantastic.
So clearly, a lot has been going on. I hung out at Pat's with Justin on Tuesday and we went to Matt's for a little bit. Oh, also, way back in September and October, I saw Motion City Soundtrack with Peaches one Monday or Tuesday, and then that Thursday I saw Reggie and the Full Effect and LEATHERMOUTH, after spending a day running around Towson with Johnny, Justin, and Jeremy. I've had some pretty good times.
Tech days are even more fun, now. I love Keenan and James and Danica, they make just about everything more exciting. I love Kevin, and his habit of binding me in ropes and watching me struggle. Oh, that leads to why my camera broke. I was trying to drink a soda with my arms tied up, and I couldn't put the cap on all the way, so it leaked in my Batman backpack and ruined my camera. My shitty iPod remained in tact, which is just my luck.
In other news... I've developed two successful rolls of film in photography class, which is pretty sweet. We still haven't managed to publish an issue of the paper yet, because our editors are clueless and take forever, and our teacher is about as useless as a drunk, blind monkey on steroids. Our paper has turned into a teen girl magazine, with Yoga Positions, horoscopes, and an "Ask Sally" section. It's ridiculous, and I'm not at all proud to be a member of the staff.
Last Sunday night, I went to the Costello's. That was fun. Matt Gill's step-dad was making fun of me and Tim for wearing Steeler's jerseys, and the Steelers, sadly, lost to the Colts, although they're still tied for first in the division with the Ravens, and will probably beat the Ravens in the end. Hopefully.
Too much going on, not enough time or memory to write it all now. I'm going to go listen to music or something, and hope more comes to me. Haha.<3

It's all in my head

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 17:28:28 GMT

So this weekend, like last weekend, I spent the majority of the time home. I had fun on Friday, though. We went to the football game. Ross paid to get Justin in, cause he didn't bring money, and Justin's face was sore cause he fell down the stairs. It rained a little, but it was fun. And we lost. Rick Wild is cute when he's mad, Kevin is a badass with a pimp cane and a sexy brokeback power rangers outfit. We hung out with Johnny, I talked to Tim Hamel some and Nick Grabner and Trey Hayes. We sat with the marching band for a while. Ashley & Kevin & Keenan & Johnny are amazing. And Justin, of course :3
Kevin gave me a piggy back ride from the feild up the stairs since Ashley and Justin were with Johnny. I was like "Fuck, Kevin, you're mine now." And he put me on his back and ran up the stairs. Then he put me on his shoulders to walk across the baseball diamond. Keenan stole my flipflops and I never got them back. Justin almost taclked us and I like fell forward and probably hurt Kevin's neck. Then we went home and me, Muff, Johnny, Kevin, Shoe, Justin, Ivan, and some guys Benny, Jared, and "Chair" got on Stickam. It was a lot of fun, actually, haha. Oh, and Justin asked me out at approximately 12:05 AM haha.
Sturday I did nothing. Today, so far, I've done nothing, but I might be going to Justin's in about an hour, depending in if my lazy fucking dad drives me. He's done nothing all week but sit home, watch T.V., sleep, play Starcraft, bullshit on the phone, and drink with Mr. James. My mom is currently at the Raven's game.
I've been talking to some people more; Mike DeMarco, Mike Shifflett, Tara Hayes, Mandy Tran, Megan Hurka, Aryn Haeger, Denny & Johnny Tra... I started talking to Guido (Ryan Schueler) more again, and Danielle Stauffer again. She actually just offered to drive me to Justin's. In all, this year is going pretty well. Tori and Terry are going out, haha. I see Nicky a lot more now. I have more time with Nicole during the day... It's pretty fun. I like it.
Blah, something's kinda bugging me, Aryn knows what it is.

I will follow you into the dark

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 19:42:49 GMT

I don't think Justin reads these, but honestly, I've written his name more in the past week than I have. He's like a drug, and I know it's corny but I can't get him out of my head. No one can fully comprehend how perfect he is to me, haha. We complete each other in just about every way. Just a few examples, we have the same exact religion, we listen to almost all the same music, we have similar views on just about everything, we fit together perfectly when we hug, we're both so awkward that we actually feel normal around each other... It's insane. I always IM him right when he sits down at his computer. I can type a lyric just as he's listening to the song it's from without knowing it.
We're cheesy and we both always know what to say to make the other one smile. His favorite lyric from The Sharpest Lives (My Chemical Romance) is "Juliet loves a beat and the lust it commands." Mine is "Drop the dagger and lather the blood on your hands, Romeo." The lyrics are right after each other in the song. As he said, they complete each other. We like all the same books and T.V. shows. The only real differences are he's more liberal (although most of our views politically are similar anyway) and he likes heavier music than me. And neither of those are anything that could ever cause a real problem between us.
I can tell him anything. I can talk to him about anything and it's never awkward. He stands up for me when no one else does, and he understands me more than anyone else does, I'm sure. He means more to me than anything else in the world, pretty much. And he makes me like myself better, and he makes me more optimistic. He keeps away my negative thoughts and he makes me want to be a better person. We could rule the world together; I'm convinced. His happiness honestly means more to me than anyone else's. If he's upset in any way, he's automatically my first priority. I would do just about anything for him, and it's not an exaggeration. I've never felt about anyone the way I feel about him. He gives me a feeling of completion I never thought was possible with another human being. And I know this sounds lame and fake and cliche, but I wouldn't be saying it if it wasn't true. Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about Justin; it's the most obvious thing about me, honestly.
He doesn't dwell on my flaws. He never judges me, he got to know me and gave me chances even when I made fun of his girlfriends (haha). He looks at me as who I am underneath and doesn't care what other people think. He sees the potential in me and he makes me see it in myself. He's always there for me, and he always listens to me--really listens. He's not just waiting for his turn to speak. There's so much more I could say but I couldn't even put all of this into words.
He truly amazes me. He's so talented and so strong. He always knows the right thing to say. He's smart and a deep thinker with great ideas and a lot of potential, but he's also completely ridiculous and hilarious. He gets all of my Scrubs and 4chan references, and he makes dumb, adorable faces in photo class. Honestly, there isn't one thing in this world I'm more grateful for than meeting Justin Gracie. God meant for it to happen, there's no other way to explain it. He's been there for me through so much. Whenever he's gone, things just seem to go wrong, and everything goes back to normal when he's around.
Good times and bad, Justin's been there for all the big events. We saw Say Anything together, which was epic for us, and he was the only person I really wanted to cry on when James died. Any time I need him, he's there, and vice versa.
I could spend hours typing about how incredible he is in my eyes, but for now I'm going to go eat. I'm starving D:
In short, I love Justin Gracie, a whole fucking lot.
As Shoe says, I'm "retarded" for him.

It's all for you

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 21:03:00 GMT

So I lived through the first week of school. I've decided I'm going to try to write one of these at least weekly, to keep up with what's going on.
The first week of school was just... fucking crazy. Monday there was a lot of drama with Deanna and Justin and all this crazy shit. It was an unbelievably hectic first day of school. I started talking to Megan more and Denny more, I love having Tim around again, and I've already started talking to some people more, like Denny's little brother and Natalie Picco. It's nice to be back in school. Tuesday was alright, I guess. Nothing was too eventful, although I focused a lot on how much I hated my new Journalism teacher. He doesn't know what he's doing.
Ross came back to school on Wednesday. Let me elaborate; before school started, Ross had an accident and fell and fucked up his face on his bike. His tongue is all fucked, his teeth are smashed, and his nose and chin are messed up, along with parts of his arms and knees, but he's still the same sweet, cute, lovable Rossybaby we've always known him to be. And I started talking to Trey more again, and talking to Aryn more.
Wednesday I was pretty bummed. I set myself a no-dating policy this year because, as everyone who's ever held a conversation with me can probably tell, the only person I'm really truly interested in is Justin, and I had all but given up on that. So I decided that I was tired of trying to fake relationships to make them work when I already knew there was someone out there who was perfect on me. I knew I couldn't ever replace the feeling I get with Justin, no matter who else I met. And so I said, if I can't have Justin, I don't want anyone at all. And I was telling Aryn about all of this. And she was talking to Justin at the same time. So she called me and started screaming and I was kinda freaked out but, wouldn't you know it, Justin liked me too. He was just a billion times better at hiding it than I could ever be.
I smiled for two hours non-stop. I mean, when JEREMY can be happy for us, you know it's obvious how much I completely adore Justin, haha. And then on Thursday I got my schedule changed so, my original schedule was:
Avid III (McQuillan, 3rd floor)
Honors Trig w/ Analytic Geometry (Hensel, 4th floor)
Honors U.S. History (Durham, trailer)
Photography 1/2 (Anderson, 4th floor)
B Lunch
Honors Chemistry (Buxbaum, 4th floor)
Standard English 11 (Poliukonis, 3rd floor)
Journalism 2 (Fairy, 3rd floor)
So now that my schedule is revised, it's a little more useful for me.
Avid III (McQuillan, 3rd floor)
Honors U.S. History (Temmink, 1st floor)
Photography 1/2 (Anderson, 4th floor) [[With Justin!!]]
AP English 11 (Poliukonis, 3rd floor)
B Lunch
Honors Chemistry (Buxbaum, 4th floor)
Honors Trig w/ Analytic Geometry (SALES, 4th floor)
Journalism 2 (Fairy, 3rd floor)
And I'm so much happier with my new schedule, ugh, no one has any idea. I was so bummed that I wouldn't have any classes with Justin, and now I do. And I got to keep my lunch period with Ashley and Megan and Collin and Denny and all of them. And I got to keep all of the classes I wanted and now I'm in even better classes. I now don't have Durham, and I do have Sales, which is what I wanted in the first place. And I get to sit with Mike Shifflett and Nicole in Trig so it's so much more fucking fun, haha.
And so Friday was probably the best day of all. Because as if it wasn't satisfying enough for me to just be able to sit in my photo class and glance at Justin every few minutes to remind me how great the week had turned out, he kissed me on Friday. All in all, despite the drama and the craziness and the bullshit and the confusion, it was one of the best weeks of my life, and I think it set the tone for the entire year. I can't wait to see what else happens.

Take Steps Away From Being Alone

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 08:16:03 GMT

I just want to sleep. Nothing feels right. Talking to some people again reminds me of things that I don't want to think about. What it all comes down to is the simple fact that I just want to make everyone happy. I want my friends to be happy. I want my mom to be happy, I want my dad to be happy. I'm so tired of disappointing him. Honestly, nothing hurts more than knowing he's upset with me, because I wasn't good enough. Because I messed up. Because I made life difficult for him. Because of me. He can't even take me seriously anymore. And he's right. I always mess up. I always forget things. I don't do what I'm supposed to do. I don't deserve half of the breaks he gives me but it's so fucking hard to keep up with everything he expects from me.
I just want to surround myself with people who make me feel better about who I am. I just want to make people smile and know I've helped them in some way. I want to make new friends, I want to be the kind of person that people want to be friends with. I'm tired of just being seen as a bitch. I know I'm a bitch, but that's not all that I am. I become so desperate to prove myself sometimes and no one really wants to give me a chance. I know what i want in life, and half of those things are way out of my reach. There are sometimes when I feel optimistic and feel like anything is possible, but nothing in my life has ever gone according to plan.
I know there are good things about me but sometimes I can't help but just look at all of the things that are wrong with me. There are times when I'm a completely horrible person. There will always be things I don't like about myself. And every time I find something to feel good about, I find more that brings me down. As for my accomplishments, they will always be overshadowed by my shortcomings and failures, especially in my dad's eyes. I want so badly to just do whatever it takes to not let him down this year, but I get so overwhelmed, I just stop trying. And I do care, so much. But I can't handle the fucking stress and pressure from people at school, my family, school work, work around the house, trying to find a job, and all the other shit I have to balance. I feel like I'm losing so much, especially recently.
Half of the people I used to look up to are just letting me down more and more. I don't even want a relationship at this point, but I'm so tired of being alone. And right now, the people I know who will always be there are unavailable. Ashley's in trouble and sleeping, and Justin is in West Virginia or some shit. And as for relationships, I'm never good enough for the people I really want, anyway. And I can't make myself get over that. I know I have options. I know people like me, but I'm so tired of phony relationships based on nothing. I just need someone who's there for me.
I just want to throw myself into something productive, something that I can actually be proud of. I figure if I work my ass off in school, my dad will lay off on the chores and punishments a lot more. So that's definitely a priority, especially with SAT's and college applications coming up. And I'm willing to change my schedule as much as they feel necessary to get me into the right English class. I love photo, but it doesn't even matter anymore. And yes, I'd love to keep my lunch period with Ashley and Joe and Peaches and Collin, but it isn't the most important thing right now, and I know that. And I really just want to be more involved with stuff at school. I'm doing tech, of course, and auditioning for the plays as long as they aren't waste-of-time productions like Snow Angel and State Fair. And I want to work to get into the English Honor Society at least for my senior year. And then I have to get a job because my dad might lose his job and we're already tight on money. And on top of that, we're in the process of finding new homes for my dogs, which fucking sucks, because I know they're annoying but I love them anyway. They're my first real pets. I don't want to know what would happen to them if they left us.
I feel like I'm growing apart from so many people. I feel alone almost all the time. I spend all of my time trying to stay out of trouble with my dad, trying to help my mom deal with my dad, and trying to balance everything else I have to do. I just want to go back to school, because school is my escape from everything here. I can't go more than two days without my dad getting mad at me for something. And then he tells me how useless I am, and how much of a bitch I am and how selfish I am and how I want so much from everyone and I don't care about anything and I'm lazy and I don't deserve anything, etc. Either that, or he just doesn't talk to me at all. He acts like I don't exist. I'm sure he wishes I didn't exist.
And I always act like nothing really bothers me, because I've always had to just get over things. I can't hold grudges. My brother would beat me up, I'd cry and then I'd be over it. I was raised to just brush shit off and act like it never really bothered me. That's why I can't stay mad at anyone. That's why I forgive everyone. That's why I can't ever fully truly hate anyone. And that's why I always fucking break down because it all adds up and explodes out of me at once, and then everyone talks about how much I complain and how I whine all the time about my tragic life, etc, and how I always play the victim. But venting and ranting is the only way I know how to deal with any of this, and I work best through writing anyway. Don't ever ask me to verbally explain my feelings. It won't work.
And I know there are people who care about me and all that, but seriously, I mean...
I have Justin and Ashley, who mean the world to me. I have Shoe who I don't really talk to that much anymore, and either way, he's in fucking Colorado. The changes between us since he moved will never fail to make me cry whenever I think about it. I miss him more than anyone fucking understands, especially my dad, but he doesn't give a shit anyway. I have Kara who I hardly see or talk to anymore. I have Austin who I hardly see or talk to. I have Jess who's in Virginia. I have my sister who's in Kansas. I have Kat who's in Michigan. I have Ivan who's in California. I have Peaches who I only really see at school. I have Collin and Dave who I only really see at school. I have Nicole who I don't get to hang out with as much but hopefully I will more this year. There's Jordan who's in Colorado. Pasha's God knows where. There's Nina who just... I don't even know. And now I started to talk to Kenny and Randy now, which is good, because I grew apart from both of them a lot...
But I'm not close to any of my old friends anymore. I'm only really close to Ashley and Justin now, and that's like it.
I'm growing apart from Pat, Mike, Matt, Bobby, Jimmy, Austin, Dave, Nina, Tails, Carlos, Zakk, Josh, anyone in Perry Hall basically... Howard got expelled, half of my friends this year are graduating.
I have friends in school that I don't talk to much outside of school, but that's only good for school.There are about six who I actually consider friends. Outside of school, the line is cut. I don't like it at all. I have so many people who mean so much to me but it doesn't usually seem to go both ways.
Eh, I don't even know. :/
I just want to sleep.

demented hellkat: sam is everything that is helping the world out and is a beautiful person that i love
Jordan (:

TAKE DEEP BREATHS

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 20:25:28 GMT

So I haven't written all summer, and a lot has happened.
Candice's wedding was just before school ended. It was fun. I got to spend a lot of time with Danielle while she was here, and I spent some time with Candice and Joe and even Becky and Keith. I spent the night at Ms. Colleen's and Danielle and I watched Cry Baby and Spaceballs and some other stupid movie. We went to Joe's graduation party and all sorts of stuff. It was fantastic. The wedding was really nice, except Jonathan kept trying to get me to dance with him, haha. Danielle left, yet again, without me being able to say goodbye, but I was glad to have been able to spend time with her while she was here.
The Avid End-of-Year party was fun, too. It was a lot of... Jeremy covered in cake, Jeremy and Brandon arguing, people playing basketball and skating and feeding too much pizza to Shifflett's dogs. I was glad to be able to spend time with Nicole before she left for Panama. (She's been gone since before school even ended. It's a real shame, because I miss the hell outta her.)
On the last day of school, me, Pat, Justin, Jeremy, Muff, and my brother walked to Towson Mall after school (after the traditional Bel Loch meal, of course). Jess and Mike also went, but they didn't walk with us. We met up with Pasha and hung out with him. Oh yeah, and Brandon showed up. It was really hot and Justin didn't feel too great. It was pretty... interesting. I remember waiting for fifteen minutes for the drink place to open because we were all dying of thirst. Oh, we also met up with Kevin King there. This was the day I really became friends with Pasha, and man, do I love that boy. He would link arms with me and tell me I was his straight girlfriend. He tried to take me into the bathroom with him, and the woman in the store asked him if he wanted the guys bathroom or the girls bathroom. Then me, Mike, Pat, and my brother went with Kathy-san to Trader Joe's and Burger King before I went home.
On June 23rd, I found out James Smith died. I met James in fifth grade, and even though we weren't close, I talked to him all through high school. He was hit by a car on Taylor avenue and landed badly. I went to his viewing with Justin, and we were there with Jimmy, Jeremy, Aryn, Jerry, Brittany, and a few others. The funeral was on Saturday (the viewing I went to was on Thursday) and I went with Peaches. I sat between Justin and Pat in the church, and I cried all over Justin. It was horrible. I went with Justin and his mom to the graveyard, and while we were there we talked with Pat, Brittany, and Daniel Smith. After the cemetery service, we went back to Loch Raven to eat, and Peaches took me to go buy new shoes, then back to my house so I could change. He picked up Shoe from Nat Greeley's house (Shoe came back on June 25th. The day he came back, he, Austin, Joe, Nina, Justin, Jeremy, Pat, Nat, and Dave all came to my house and hung out. Over the next few days we hung out a lot, going to the mall and movies and what-not.) and Shoe and I went to Dave's, where Jimmy and Mike Shifflett were hanging out.
After a while, Peaches came back and took all of us to the mall and dropped us off. We hung out around the mall and Dave tried on some clothes in Express. Shifflett got some playing cards and threw them all over the mall. We went to the Avenue and hung out at Barnes and Nobles in the magazine section on the couches. Then we sat and played cards in the Starbucks area until Dylan came. He crammed all of us into his car--Shifflett got shotgun, then it was Dave, Jimmy, and Shoe in the back with me on Shoe's lap. We listened to Punk Goes Crunk and Mike Shifflett sang "Umbrella" by All Time Low to an Asian guy driving in the car next to us. We went to Jimmy's, to watch Haggard, but we never did. Instead, me, Shoe, Dave, and Shifflett walked down to the Firehouse Tavern and went to get dinner. They weren't going to let us in, but Mike charmed the lady. My mom came and picked me up and I went home.
The following Monday, I started summer school. I was glad to find that Mike Mason and Josh Maurer were in my class, and that I had a cool teacher, Ms. Kratz. Austin was in the next room, and Brown Steve, Rob, and Twon were just across the hall. I made friends with Luke and Cathy, and met Julian. Despite the annoyance of having to sit next to Chris Fatkin, summer school wasn't bad. Our class was moved from the third floor to the library, so I couldn't see Austin, Rob, Twon, or Steve during breaks anymore, but I still had Luke, Mike, and Josh. The library has beanbag chairs on the floor, so we hang out there during break. Thus, I became friends with Cathy and Dante. The only person in my class I really don't like is Sean.
On June 28, I went to the movies with Peaches and Shoe to see Wanted. Stev and Dylan got us in. I got in a lot of trouble that night, cause my dad blew up at me. Most days this summer, I've spent with either Pat, Shoe, or Jeremy. I've spent a lot of days with Pat, or walking to the snowball stand to see Becky, and I've seen Jeremy at least once a week. Ashley was in Australia so I didn't get to see her much before she left, but I did spend a good amount of time with her and Dylan. I also spent a good amount of time with Pasha before he went on his modeling venture.
Last Wednesday was the Vans Warped Tour. I went with Shoe and Bobby, and I spent most of the day with Justin, Jeremy, and Zeman. I saw Chelsea, Nina, Tails, Carlos, Pat, and some others there, too (including the boys of Flash Grenade and Frank, and other people I haven't seen in ages.) I saw a lot of bands this year, including Against Me!, As I Lay Dying, Every Time I Die, Mayday Parade, The Academy Is..., Say Anything, The Devil Wears Prada, Jack's Mannequin, Family Force 5, The Higher, Cobra Starship, The Pink Spiders, Reel Big Fish, Story of the Year, We The Kings, Gym Class Heroes, and more. During the last band of the day, Gym Class Heroes, some girl fell on my head crowd surfing and cut up my arm, knee, and shoulder. I hurt my leg, side, hip, and neck, and it was sore for a good few days.
Last Sunday I went with my neighbors, the Costellos, to the drive-in movies to see the Dark Knight. It started raining during the Looney Toons Cartoons prior to the movie, but Sean and I sat in the rain anyway. It stopped raining during the movie, though. The film was fantastic, and totally worth sitting in the rain.
Ashley got home from Australia last week, and Thursday was my birthday. For my birthday, Justin walked from his house, to Towson Mall, to my bus stop, to my house. We walked to my house together and hung out for a few minutes before Jeremy showed up. Gordo showed up shortly after. I couldn't find Batman Begins, so we watched Thank You For Smoking. In the middle of the movie, I paused it so we could go to the Snowball stand to see Becky. She gave me a free snowball. Justin went in to wash his hands and Jeremy went with him, so Gordo and I ran to the Pop Shop. We saw Matt Gill on the way. We hung out in the Pop Shop and ate fries and Gordo had a cheesesteak or whatever, then we walked back to my house.
I didn't want to get hit by a car, but Justin carried me across the street. On the way up my street, my dad drove next to us and saw us, and he let me get in the car and my friends hopped in the bed of his truck. He drove us back up to my house. We finished watching the movie, and Kevin came to pick us up. We went to the movies and saw the Dark Knight again. I sat between Justin and Jeremy. It was fun. Afterwards we went to Barnes and Noble for a while. Then Kevin took us home and that was the end of it.
Friday wasn't too eventful, but I went to the movies with my dad and brother to see the Dark Knight again. My dad finally found out about my phone, which I got the day before Warped Tour. I've been hiding it from him so he didn't get mad at my mom for buying me a phone, but the cat's out of the bag now. Yesterday I spend three hours doing yard work, and my dad made us a pretty good dinner. Then I went to Ashley's house and we took some ridiculous pictures and she gave me a shirt that didn't fit her and all that fun stuff. Then Justin showed up and we went on a walk to the church down the street and hung out. We walked back up to Ashley's house and sat in the driveway in the dark, talking and whatever. Cicadas kept slamming against Ashley's house and Justin would kill them and Ashley sat and poked them and listened to them spaz (they weren't completely dead.) Two of them got up and started flying again. One flew to the inside of a light, so Ashley sprayed it with Clorox to kill it instead of letting it burn up in the light.
Then Jeremy was texting Justin and Justin wouldn't tell me what he was saying. Eventually Jeremy texted me to break up, and I wasn't really too bummed about it, more relieved than anything. A lot of little things about Jeremy have been annoying the hell out of me lately, and it's nice to not have to really worry about it anymore. So we hung out with Justin until somewhere around twelve, then he walked home and we went inside to set up the beds. I got all nice and cuddled up with Ashley's striped pajama pants and her "No Bunnies for You" shirt and we laid on the air mattresses watching Se7en. We didn't finish it, but it was getting late and I knew I'd have to get up early so we turned it off.
So today I woke up kinda early and my dad picked me up around eleven. I came home to clean but didn't really do much. Shoe is leaving tomorrow, and Justin left this morning for RVR and he won't be back until Friday. Tomorrow starts my last week of summer school. Oh, I'm known in my class as "Sami Cat", thanks to Luke. Austin is known among Julian, Twon, Brown Steve, and Rob as "Wyatt" and they all grab his nipples to mess with him. Fun times. So this week I have to work my ass off and take my final and the HSA and all that shit for summer school. I might still be able to go to Colorado, but I'm not really stressing over it at this point. I will miss seeing Steve, Twon, Rob, Luke, Josh, and Julian all the time, though. Austin, too. I don't get to see him all that much.
Summer school ends on Friday, which is August first. Real school starts again on August 26th or something like that, so I don't really have much time to actually enjoy summer. I've been exhausted all summer from school and chores. I really just want to spend a whole day sleeping, or something like that. It'd be fantastic, if I do say so myself.
Now that I've wasted an hour or so reliving my summer, I'm going to go finish it by cleaning my room and whatever my dad's asking me to do.
xoxo peace

You cannot destroy us

Sat, 24 May 2008 16:05:08 GMT

Well this is interesting. I had a really bizarre dream last night. I don't remember most of it. I know that it changed somewhere in the middle. I know Jeremy was in it through the beginning parts. I know the second part had a huge battle of the bands in an amplified version of the Loch Raven auditorium, and I know Alvin and the Chipmunks were there, and Tyler Woods. I wish I remembered more about the beginning part, though. Anyway, it's Saturday. Meaning, Danielle flies in tonight. My parents are both working or whatever, so, depending on when they work today, I may walk to the snowball stand to see Becky. Except Pat might be at his dad's and Jew might not be home, so I don't know if I'll have anyone to go with me. Oh well, I'll try.
I'm starting to talk to a lot of people I haven't heard from in a while again, like Dylan, and Jack Staley, and Randy. I miss a lot of people I used to spend time with last year. I haven't seen Dylan since January, when Shoe was here. I haven't seen Jack since October, or something like that. I remember it was the first time Shoe came back to visit, which was about two months after he left. I saw Jack for a minute in the mall, I pretty much attacked him. I miss that motherfucker. And Randy, I saw a few weeks ago at the mall, but we haven't really talked much or hung out in a long time. We just say hi, give a hug, and that's usually it. And other than that, I'm talking to people more that I never really did before, like Jess, Aryn, and Lydia. And I really wanna hang out with Lydia and Emily sometime. I see them everywhere, but we never plan it, haha. And I miss Emily a lot, we talked pretty much every day in eighth grade, but she goes to Carver.
I also miss Jess, which is understandable, seeing as she lives in fucking Virginia. And everyone already knows I miss the hell outta Shoe, but at least I get to see him soon. Only about a month left. I get to see my sister soon, either tonight or tomorrow. Then I don't have school on Monday so I'll probably be able to hang out with her then. And maybe Jeremy too, which would be wonderful
Oh, I've also been talking to Zack Adams a lot. But not about random "Oh hi how are you?" stuff. We talk about stuff like Hitler, and conflicts in other countries, and problems we have with other people. I enjoy it, even if it is weird, haha. Nina says he's lost it, but, oh well. And I've talked to Austin more lately again. Which is good, because I miss him a lot, too. I was so used to him calling me every night, and then the calls got less and less and eventually stopped altogether. Although he did call me once last weekend to get me to try to go to Recher with him. Of course, I'm grounded, so I wouldn't have been able to go, and my phone had no service, so I didn't even know he called until Shoe told me.
I really want to just go chill with my sister soon. Rachel's party is tomorrow but I don't think I can go. There's a lot going on, and everything is pretty hectic. I keep telling myself to work on my research paper, but I've gotten nowhere. I can't change my subject now because me and Dave are going to work on it together, and he's already working on it for genocide. I just have absolutely no idea what to write about it. Because it's limited to the Holocaust. How much can you say about it? Okay, Genocide is this. Genocide was committed during the Holocaust against the Jewish population. This process of eliminating the Jews was done using concentration camps and death camps spread throughout Europe. This crime against humanity resulted in the deaths of ###### Jews, and the starvation and torturing of many others.
See, even on here, that's the most work I've done for this stupid paper in the past two to three weeks. Actually, that's not even bad. I think I'm going to use it. Haha. I just completely thought of that on the top of my head. I mean, it's bullshit, you need to have a thesis statement, and a "hook" in the beginning, then three body paragraphs in the order that the items were mentioned in the thesis, etc. I don't feel like doing all that shit. On top of that, you have to insert vocabulary words from our past vocabulary units, and I got rid of all of my vocab lists after we wrote our short stories, because we used them for that so I figured we wouldn't need the stupid fucking things anymore. Stupid me, I guess.
Nina's going to senior prom with "cute boy" Toby tonight, in other news. She's all excited, haha. She just sent me a picture of her in her dress, it's really pretty. I can't wait until prom next year, seriously. All of my Junior friends got to go this year (not that all of them did.) Homecoming was fun this year, so I know it'll rock next year, and I know prom will be pretty badass, cause everyone I know who went this year had a bitchin time.
Well now I'm bored, not many people are on, and I'm only really talking to Nina. I just want today to fly by, or at least be interesting. Jewmonster isn't on, so I'm going to assume she isn't home, which means if I do decide to walk up to Toscanas to go to the snowball stand, I'm going to have to go by myself, which I hate. I don't like walking down Harford road by myself, cars honk at me and people yell at me and stuff, haha. And usually when I do, I make sure I'm on the phone with someone, at least, haha.
Oh well, Ashley's on, so I guess I'll talk to her for a while before I decide to do anything.

xoxo peace!

I am not afraid to live.

Sat, 24 May 2008 01:03:52 GMT

You cannot destroy us.
I am not afraid to live.
We will carry on.

These words are now some of my favorites, I'm not going to lie. I went through and re-read a lot of the booklet for the special edition of The Black Parade. Anyway, back on topic. I woke up late today. We had Ashley's party first period, and Ms. McQuillan wasn't there, so it was really chill. It was a lot of wind, me and Jeremy sitting on the ground, and watching Zeman make a fool out of himself trying to play basketball. English was boring, as usual, although I managed to make a lot of people laugh today, and I managed to cause some controversy. I mean, we were talking about tenth graders, as an example for a paper Miss Gowdy was doing, and they said something about sports and she mentioned Lacrosse and I said Lacrosse isn't a real sport, and it's lame. Seriously, they don't even play Lacrosse in Michigan. Miss Gowdy never even heard of it, or field hockey, before she moved here. That's because they're two of the dumbest sports on the planet. Stick with football and baseball. Seriously.
Anyway, art was pretty chill. We're making hemp bracelets and necklaces, which is kinda weird, but at least it's easy. In science, we had a substitute (again) and we watched A Bug's Life. Then History was chill cause I got my seat moved so now instead of sitting with the Emily's, I sit with Rachel, Dave, and Ryan, which is amazing. Haha. Me and Ryan drew a political cartoon using the Wizard of Oz to represent the Palestinian/Israeli conflict. It was fun, Mr. Markowski liked it. Then lunch, Ryan sat with us, so our table was actually pretty full today. Then, of course, I went up to get Jeremy. And we had a huge hug-orgy in the hallway, it was amazing. Cause I was hugging Jeremy, then Zeman kinda joined, then Danica, and Pat, and eventually we pulled in Justin and Dave and Ross and all of these random people, haha. It was incredible. Although I got squished a lot. Math was lame, as usual. Journalism was amazingly chill, but I guess it's expected, seeing as there were only what? Seven people in the class?
After school, Justin invited himself to my house, so I called my mom and did some quick lying about my Hitler research paper, saying that Justin and I had to work on it together, haha. So he came over and I showed him my 4chan folder on my computer, and we watched V for Vendetta. It was so funny, my dad came home, and I'm supposed to be grounded and so I'm not supposed to have anyone at my house, so when he went out to smoke a cigarette, me and Justin snuck out the back door, and when he went up to take a shower, we went out front and when he came outside we told him Justin came over from Dave's because Dave had to leave to go to the mall or something with his girlfriend and Justin needed to wait for a ride home. Oh-so-convenient. Oh, and Mrs. Sue Costello and Tim Hamel's mom and Ms. Amy came over for a few, it was interesting. Apparently my parents and Mrs. Sue went to go play pool or something. But while we waited for Justin's dad, me and Justin got attacked by rabbits. No lie, bunnies were appearing and disappearing out of nowhere, and when one disappeared another would pop out, like it teleported or something. It was great.
So now I'm tired, and just chillin. I'm talking to Ty on AIM and stuff... I can't believe it's already 9 o'clock. It doesn't feel like it at all. Especially since Justin was only supposed to stay for a few hours at most, haha. Oh well. So Danielle comes tomorrow, and that'll be an adventure all on its own. Rachel's party is on Sunday but at this point I have no idea if I'm going to be able to go or not.

Things are looking crazy...

Mon, 19 May 2008 23:13:27 GMT

So my first HSA test is tomorrow. The ninth grade American Government one was today, which means I only saw Jeremy three times today instead of the usual six. And tomorrow I'll probably only see him three times, too. I might see him four times, depending on what time my HSA testing lets out. It's the English 10 test, which should be incredibly easy, especially since I fucking rock at English, but it's still going to be lame. But hey, no Avid, no English,and no Art, so it isn't all bad. I just wish I had no Science or Math either, haha, but I guess that's asking a bit much. I can't wait for these tests to be over. Then the Biology one is on Wednesday, and me and Jeremy are both done, so it'll go back to normal, at least.
The Avid party is Friday morning. I'll probably forget to bring what I'm supposed to, haha. I'm in charge of most of the directions. My mom is a manager at the Dollar Tree in East Point, so I have easy access to cheap stuff. And, I mean, free helium tank, right? Haha. Thea, Tierra, Amber, and Brittany are planning it. Why they're planning it, of all people, I'll never understand. They're not the most organized by anyone's standards. It's ridiculous. I mean, half of the people in my class aren't even bringing anything, because they were fucking stupid about how they planned it. I told them they should make a list of what they NEED and pass it around the class to have people sign up to bring stuff. The ninth graders are probably going to wind up bringing more of us. Brittany's making half of the food, and then Brittany and Amber are pretty much the only people really bringing anything.
In other news, I fucking CANNOT wait until Saturday. Five days until my insane sister comes back. I can't wait, at all. It's going to be fun as hell. Especially the wedding. Something about her drunk in a dress is amazingly amusing to me. I'm just gonna chill with her all day, because the rest of my family kinda sucks. It's just gonna be like, me, my brother, my sisters, my parents, my sisters' mom and step-dad, etc. And then like, my aunt and uncle (my dad's brother) and their kids. My dad hates his sister and his mom and his grandparents, so we probably won't see too much of them throughout the day. And the whole time Danny's home is going to be fucking intense. It always is. She's so fucking funny. Last time she was here, we loaded up on Starbucks and went to the movies to see Enchanted, which is a G rated movie, and so we cussed each other out like half of the time, haha. When we were leaving we were like punching each other and cussing and stuff, it was great. I should probably finish reading Wicked so I can give it back to her...
Justin's really psyched to meet her, I know that. She's determined to try to scare Justin, cause I told her that Justin would be able to deal with her craziness. And apparently she wants to approve Jeremy or something, which should be interesting, to say the least. But hopefully she won't be too crazy... Although, it's Danielle, so there are no promises. At my birthday party after eighth grade, she hit Larry with a camera for not eating cake, and told Jimmy he was a poser cause he said "Yeah, drugs!" and she said he probably never smoked a day in his life. He's a pothead now. And she was like drunk, and mean to all of my friends, so they call her "My drunk sister" now. Oh welllll, haha.
So now I'm gonna go be bored, check if my mom bought Juno or not, and wait for my dad to make dinner. I'm gonna try to start posting these things more often again, like I used to. But not like six times a day like I did last year, lol.

Let's make it last forever

Sun, 04 May 2008 20:18:32 GMT

I'm in a really good place right now. Aside from being sick yesterday/the night before, which is pretty much gone now. I'm getting my appetite back and all that fun stuff. Yesterday Paul, Will K, Fallon and me went to Towson fest, then I left them to chill with Jeremy, Justin, Demarco, Holly, Chrissy, and whoever else came and went from our group as the day progressed. It was pretty fun, except I still didn't feel all that great. Justin paid ten bucks for a dry sandwich, we lost Demarco, Justin hit him in the nuts. Justin took a lot of pictures of strangers, haha. I left around five, it was chilll. It got cold later on, which sucked (especially since Jeremy was wearing shorts and short sleeves, lol). But it was really chill. Then I came home, turned on the TV to find that Baywatch was on, and fell asleep.
My dad and my brother got into this huge ass fight this morning, which was lame/exciting. Lol. Oh well. I've been working on laundry some, but for the most part, my dad hasn't been too demanding of me today. Which is good. He's given me a lot more of a break recently. He let me stay after on Friday for Jeremy's baseball game, and he let me go to the Towson festival. Which is so unlike him. I'm sure part of it has to do with the fact that he hasn't seen my grades. I'm staying after tomorrow with my science teacher to get extra help. HSAs are coming up, and the final exam, and I know virtually nothing about biology.
My momma's making hotdogs and steak on the grill. I don't know why she's making both, but I guess I'm not complaining. I'm really thirsty. I've been drinking more water and less iced tea/soda lately. Part of that is because my stomach can't handle iced tea when I'm nauseas, and I'm trying not to upset it again. Part of that is because we have no soda in our house. But I've been drinking more water, which I pretty much never do, so I guess that's a good thing.
I spent all morning watching America's Next Top Model cycle one, and eating Froot Loops, peanuts, and whatever other random stuff I could get my hands on. I made pasta in the middle of the night even though I still wasn't hungry. I just figured it'd be better for me if I at least ate something, rather than not eating anything the entire day.
So I'm eating in a bit, then I'll probably play the new Mario Kart game, which I haven't touched yet, even though my brother got it on like, Wednesday or Thursday.

:D

I found my place in the world to stare at your face for the rest of my days...

Fri, 02 May 2008 10:46:50 GMT

There's no other way to say it. I am ridiculously happy. It's unreal, and everyone thinks there's something wrong with me. I feel so much better and optimistic than I have in a long time. Of course, I'm positive that a big portion of that can be accredited to Jeremy, who is, by the way, pretty fucking awesome. Although people in school won't leave us the hell alone for more than a few seconds, and he's shy, but he's pretty great. I'm still grounded, but hopefully, not for long. My stomach's been really outta it lately, and I almost passed out in the shower again, even though I was only in for fifteen minutes this time. Then again, the water was really hot, since I couldn't manage to get warm. Seriously, I hate waking up in a freezing house more than just about anything. Anyway, back to today...

It's Friday, and since I'm grounded, this means that I probably won't be able to see Jeremy until Monday, which pretty much sucks. So I'll probably be spending my whole weekend home alone doing nothing, as usual. Although Nina said she might walk to my house this weekend if she goes to her mom's house. Hmm... In other news, I get to see Danielle in a few weeks! She's coming back for a week for Candice's wedding, thus, even if my interims kinda suck, I won't be punished for at least that week, so I can spend time with my lovely sister. She also really wants to meet Justin, lol. That'll be fun, I'm really excited to see her after four freaking months. Which, by the way, is a ridiculous amount of time. Stupid Army, sending Mike to Kansas...
I'll probably continue this later. At the moment, I should be drying my hair so I have time to straighten it before I leave. I only have fifteen to twenty-five minutes before I have to go, and it sucks to, A) go to school with poofy hair, lol OR B) go outside when it's cold with wet hair.

I've lose my fear of F A L L I N G...

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 18:08:28 GMT

I'm so ready for next year, it isn't even funny. I just want to pass this year, and have it be over with. I want to have classes with Justin. I want to NEVER have to see Miss Gowdy again. Timofey will be at LR next year. I can't wait until I get to see him all the time. I actually have a lot to look forward to this week. Today is Shoe's birthday, though. Monday is Panera Night for our AVID class. Wednesday I might walk up to Guitar Center to see Alex. Friday I have a feild trip. I guess this week will be alright. Oh, and the new My Chemical Romance DVD comes out on Tuesday. Plus new Scrubs on Thursday.
Report cards come out soon, which is a drag, but at least I'll be unpunished come interims. May will be pretty sweet, cause Danielle is coming back for like a week, and Candice is getting married. I have to go buy a dress soon. That'll be a right joy. Haha. I've been really over-loaded lately. I've felt pretty rejected, and dejected. I've watched Juno pretty much every day in the past week, though. It makes me happy.
I've been talking to Matt a lot more, and Justin's been in a pretty tight spot, so I've been trying to help him deal with the ghosts of his past that seem to be enjoying haunting him lately. I'm tired of doing yard work, seriously. And I'm really disappointed that I couldn't finish all three of my articles for the paper, although I got two, so I guess I accomplished something.
I feel like I'm doing more to let people get to know me, lately. I've been more open about how I feel and what's been going on in my life. It's kind of a relief to get everything out there, even if there are people who will always just accuse me of complaining and whining.
I've been closer to Ashley again, lately, which makes me a very happy person, because I do love her a lot, and I've hated feeling so distant from her. We were so close at the beginning of the year that it seems like a shame to let us drift apart so much.
On another note, I entered a writing contest that I have high hopes for, and I'm entering more contests in the future, just to get some things out there. I'm just trying to take more active steps towards bettering myself. Along with that, I've been working harder to get my grades up, and I've been doing sit ups XD. I know that doesn't really make sense because I'm skinny as hell, but being thin and being in shape are different things. And hopefully I'll be able to get a job soon. I'm trying to gain some weight, too. I have a lot of goals for myself.
I've also been working on my drawing/writing a lot more lately. So hopefully, from all of these efforts, something positive will come.
For now, I have to go do yard work. Again.

I wrote this a few days ago...

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 17:50:02 GMT

I'm in way over my head. I always dig myself into graves, getting in over my head and trying to take on more than I can handle. I have so much that I want to do with my life and I never make any move to what I need to do to reach my goals. Because of this, no one has real faith in me, regardless of what talents I may possess. My entire family treats me like I'm an idiot, except for my sister. My life has fallen into a hole that I've been struggling to claw my way out of. I have almost no chance of passing this year without summer school. I need to get straight A's, thus, I'm working my fucking ass off. My parents don't believe I can do anything useful with my future. My dad treats me like a fuck-up even though, for the most part, I stay out of trouble. I'm not a whore, or a druggie. I don't drink and I don't sneak around and shit, and he still doesn't trust me at all, and he's still never proud of me for anything. Even if I do well in something, he'll pick out all the flaws. He has a great habit of making me feel useless and like I'm a complete waste of life.

I'm grounded, thus eliminating any hope of relaxing or enjoying myself in my free time. I'm grounded, presumably, until interims, provided I'm able to keep my grades up until then, but seeing as I'm already missing assignments in two of my classes and the quarter started today, it seems unlikely that I have any real hope. Thus, I'll wind up in summer school, eliminating my chance of getting a real job this summer where I wanted to, and also cutting down on my time to spend with Shoe, and my ability to travel to go see my sister in Kansas, etc. Basically, it would ruin my whole summer, and we already can't afford to pay for summer school.

I miss my friends insanely. Shoe's all the way in fucking Colorado and that tears me apart more than anyone understands, no matter how much they think they do. Austin's the only person who misses Shoe as much as I do, and I miss Austin just as much. Shoe, who was my rock last year, and my only constant support through all the shit I had to deal with, is now ages away, and it's like he disappeared from my life for the most part, and that fucking kills me to think about. Ashley had her schedule changed half-way through the year, so I only see her for ten minutes before school, and three minutes between two classes during the day. The fact that I'm grounded prevents me from spending any real time with her.

I can't remember the last time I really spent time with Kara. I was with her at the mall at the beginning of spring break, but it's not the same. Things still feel different with Justin after last week, and I hate that, but it's getting better, at least. And most of the people I depend on the most aren't around much. I mainly talk to Ivan, who's in fucking California, and he can't do much to help me out in that position.

I spend all of my time making fun of other people instead of working in school because it's the only way I know of to make myself feel better, thanks to growing up with my dad, who has something negative to say about everyone.

Every discussion I have with anyone in my family ends in either an argument or a lecture about my schoolwork. I'm fucking over-worked because I have an assload of chores, I can never sleep, AVID is fucking overloading me with work, I have three articles due for the fucking school paper and deadline is on Wednesday, and I only have one even remotely done. I'm stuck in the middle of a million conflicts and trying to help everyone I care about out at the same time. I have to help my mom out a lot because she just had surgery last week, and nothing can really make me happy.

I feel like a joke to everyone. I'm tired of having friends who talk to me when it's convenient. I'm sick of everyone treating me like I'm an idiot, and people not believing in me or having faith in me. I feel like I have nothing to fall back on, and no real support behind me. I feel distant from all of the people who used to be my entire life. I have no freedom and no confidence. Everyone either thinks I'm a bitch or that I'm crazy. I annoy even myself with my inability to shut up. I'm a fucking pessamist, and I criticize everything and pick everything apart, just like my dad, and I hate that I do that, but I can't help it.

I just want something to help me turn my life around because so far, I've been unable to do it on my own. I'm incapable of making any positive changes in my life. I feel fucking alone all of the time, and Justin and Ashley are the only people I can be completely open with anymore who actually seem to care, and I want more than anything to be able to spend more time with them.

I hate more about myself than I could ever put into words, and I hate my self-loathing. I hate so much it isn't even funny. Anyone who has ever sat next to me in any class or been in a room with me for more than ten minutes knows how fucking awful I can be sometimes. I lie all the time, to myself just as much as I do to other people. I pour out my problems to people, seeking attention, because let's be real here, I love attention insanely.

I drive people away from me for being a bitch, or acting like an idiot, or lying, or talking about people, or uhtiwrhtihlithah WHATEVER.

And I'm so fucking sick of worrying about what everyone else thinks all the time.

I've lost most faith in humanity, I have more prejudices than anyone I know, aside from my dad. I judge people and I hate people for no reason. I'm afraid to say what I'm thinking most of the time because my world revolves around making a good name for myself and I've done nothing to really help that case.

I can never stick to my goals, or do what I tell myself I'm going to do. I can't commit to anything. I'm obsessive and I cling to the simple things that make me happy so much it's sickening. My teachers just shake their heads when they look at me because of one simple truth: I am a failure.

Ms. McQuillan starts off every day of my miserable school existance by treating us either like little kids, or like we're in college. There is no happy medium. She gives us more work than all of my other classes combined. I'm terrified of that class, thus, I work my ass off more than any other class, and I have absolutely no balance, so I can't keep all of my grades up at once. AVID used to feel like a support system, which was something I needed. It was a family, and now it's just a big mess that stresses me out. Everyone agrees that Ms. McQuillan doesn't seem to remember that we're fifteen/sixteen years old half of the time, and she either babies us and treats us like idiots or acts like we're not good enough and that we're all just a giant disappointment to her. And she always calls people out for their crap, but no one can ever do the same to her, because, as Thea said today, when she's right, she's right, and when she's wrong, she's right.

My fucking English class just makes me want to blow my brains out, because I'm surrounded by idiots who all, for some reason, have A's, while I'm failing. They're all preppy and they gossip about stupid shit. None of them have any fucking common sense and even listening to them talk makes me lose about three hundred brian cells. My teacher is a favoritist bitch who lets the kids she like do whatever the fuck they want, and yet she yells at me all the time for doing things that she lets them get away with every day. And just because "They love Mama La'Rhonda", she doesn't give a shit what any of them do at all. Not only that, but she's a fucking English teacher, and I can speak better English than her. I have to correct her grammar and spelling, and that's a problem. She doesn't even fucking work, she gets Jenna to grade papers, and she just sits there and does nothing the entire period because she doesn't feel like doing anything useful to teach us. I can't name a single thing I've learned in her class for either year that I've had her, in all honesty.

My art class isn't bad, but our assignments are bland, and Mrs. Anderson just repeats herself a lot, and she's kind of crazy, but over-all, it isn't too bad.

My science class is a big room of sports-playing freshmen, and then five sophomores. My teacher has absolutely no faith in me whatsoever. I just sit in class and yell at Jewface and JewAccomplice all period.

History is the only class I really try in because I like my teacher, I like the people in the class, and I like the subject. The classes actually keep me awake, and Mr. Markowski doesn't fucking stress me out and over-work me, and he actually somewhat cares about his classes. He's the only one who asks me if I'm alright when I'm having a bad day. Thus, I do well in his class.

Bidwell's class is just a fucking joke. It's just Joy yelling at everyone, bitching out Mr. Bidwell, making noise, screaming, singing, whatever. It's Marco and Karlton arguing and rapping and whatever, they always have food, etc. Mr. Bidwell just spends the entire period trying to control his class, or just putting us all to sleep. I've failed pretty much every test in that class all year.

And then, finally, Journalism, which is generally chill, but at the moment I'm so fucking overworked I can't handle it. I don't know what I'm going to do on Wednesday for deadline, because I'm so fucking mad at myself for not being able to finish all three of my stories, just like everything else in my life. I am ill-equipt to do anything useful or decent with my life, thus, I spend all my time sleeping to avoid reality, and pretending I'm someone/somewhere else.

I'm just fucking tired of everything. And now I'm done ranting. If you read this, fucking kudos to you. I just needed to get this all out.

Thriller

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 05:06:14 GMT

Everything is pretty lame lately. Justin's still like my best friend. I'm grounded for forever, pretty much, and thank God spring break is in two days. I've spent all night eating Tastykakes, practicing Daft Hands for Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger, on 4chan, and talking to Ivan and Rick Wild. And I'm currently listening to Michael Jackson. I'm bored. I haven't done much lately. I went to see Horton Hears A Who! with Ashley, Danica, and Jess on Friday, but that's about it. I'm listening to Ima Robot and it reminds me of my brown kid. I miss him. I miss a lot of people. Ugh. I finally got an article in the school paper today. Two, actually. Matt and Pat made the papers into paper hats. Oh well.
I went on a feild trip yesterday. I have three more coming up. I don't know if I'm going on the science one, since I didn't turn in the money yet. I don't know if I still can. Oh well.
I miss my sister. I miss Stev. I'm tired of people in general. Casey decided to become a rapper today. I hate my English teacher. I wish I had the base for my webcam. I have a bump on the back of my head that hurts a lot. I need to get Pat's MP3 player back from Dylan soon. I need to re-watch Donnie Darko, and watch Tank Girl. I want to watch the new Batman movie like right now. These are the basic ideas going through my head at the moment.
I just left a marker open for like half an hour on my desk. I wrote out the Daft Hands thing on my hands with washable marker since my other ones wouldn't work, and it's like sticky and smearing on my keyboard a little bit. 4chan is hilarious. Nothing better than pr0n, racism, and anonymous. I have a Yu-Gi-Oh! card on my desk and I keep looking at it. I have two IM conversations open but no one's talking to me. My Windows doesn't work because my cousin gave me fake Windows when he fixed my computer, and so I can't open the task manager anymore. My leg hurts, and I don't know why. I really want to watch Kenshin. Kenshin is funny. (:
I wish I could find all of my Ranma books. I keep sneezing. The soap on my hands is irritating. I really want to talk to Shoe. Saturday was fun. My neighbors had a St. Patrick's Day party. I hung out with Sean, Keenan, Tim Hamel, Drew Hamel, Nick and Steve Grabner... It was pretty fun. Keenan is ridiculous. I saw Austin on Friday. I miss him. Patrick wore a kilt yesterday. It was amazing, seriously. We're supposed to go to the mall and play kick ball in the parking lot on Friday with Pat in his kilt. Either that, or I'm hanging out with Alex White. On the other hand, I don't know if I'm doing anything at all, because I'm still supposed to be grounded. Or I might go to Ashley's house to watch movies. At this point, I have no clue. I'm listening to Lazlo Bane.
I want to hang out with Stev and Dylan pretty bad. I never see them. I haven't seen Stev in 8 months. Lolcats are amazing.
My mom and I started looking at apartments yesterday. We might be moving in like, June. Who knows? My brother doesn't want to move, and I don't want to lose my dogs, but at this point, it's pretty necissary. Too much shit keeps happening, and it's too stressful. Plus, I'll have a job this summer, I'm sure, so I should be able to help my mom out some with my own expenses.
I'm so out of it. My mind is scattered. I'm lonely. I don't even know what's going on. I'm so stressed. I just want to relax. My head hurts now. I'm losing my mind. Ivan is talking about Guro threads on 4chan. They don't sound very lovely. Oh well. *Sigh*
I might hang out with Gordo over break. I need to see Kara, I haven't since Hamilton, I don't think. That was a good while ago. Wait, maybe it was the week after Hamilton. One of those times, we went to the mall. I don't remember when, though.

I'm going to go lurk 4chan and save numerous funny pictures, while listening to an array of different music.
Peace.

Guess I'm not the fighting kind.

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 01:43:06 GMT

Man, I cannot wait for summer. Other than that, I cannot wait for this school paper to come out. I have two articles to be published, and that's going to be great for me. Three papers in, and I'm finally going to have something published. I think I'm the only person in the class who hasn't had an article in the paper yet. Other than that, the spring musical "State Fair" was cancelled. I guess it's a relief that I won't actually have to get up and dance in front of my friends and family, but I miss the practices the most. I loved talking with Tim and Kaitlyn and the Grabners and whoever else. It was always a lot of fun. There's always next year, though. Hopefully then I'll get a better role, and not that two-word bullcrap I had to deal with this time around. Maybe they'll realize that I'm more reliable than some of the other assholes they cast as big parts but never show up to practice.
Besides that, summer is going to be great. I can't wait for school to be done with. Not only will I get to see Shoe, not only will I not have to constantly stress about grades, and not only will I get to sleep whenever the fuck I want, but I'm going to Kansas to chill with my sister and Mike, and it's going to be awesome. Mainly because I adore my sister more than anyone else in my family, but also because she said I could bring Justin with me, and I know that would be the most fun shit ever. Not just like chilling on an airplane with one of my best friends, or being in one of the most boring states in the world with three of the most hilarious people I know, but the whole idea of it. I'll be rid of my parents, with the one person in my family I can tell anything to and completely be myself around, and I'll have Justin with me. That's such a win/win/win situation. Haha, I wonder if I'll get tired of Justin? I doubt it, though. He's a great friend, seriously.
I'm also looking forward to a few other things--the next AVID feild trip, for instance. I love the AVID trips. We're going to the Naval Academy in Annapolis, and we're taking a bus that looks like a Trolley. I love the people in the AVID classes. They're like family. Well, mostly. Maybe not Amber and her gross greasy fro and the fact that she couldn't shut up to save her fucking life, but the rest of them are pretty awesome. Dave, Mike, Bryan, Stacie, Nicole, Timmy, Alex, Jesse, Zach, Joey... Hell, even Tori isn't that bad when she's on her meds, haha. So that's going to be fun.
And then at the end of May, my sister Candice is getting married to Joe. It's going to be good fun, haha. At least we know it can't be half as bad as the wedding from hell that my aunt had in California back whenever. Plus Danielle will be there. Family events are always more fun when Danny's there. Plus Becky and Keith will be there, and they're equally hilarious, so I'm actually looking forward to that, too.
However, I am not at all looking forward to our interims on Tuesday, because it's half-way through the quarter, and I've already managed to fuck it up. If I don't fix it immediatly, I'm going to fail this year, and that cannot happen. It CANNOT happen. So I need to get my shit in gear immediately. It's just hard because there's so much going on lately. Like, my mom told my dad she wants to move out. My mom is also getting surgery soon so I'm going to be going nuts taking care of her. There's school, I apparently have to get a job, and there's a chance I may have to move in with my grandma in Dundalk [again] for a year if we do actually move out. Everything is just overwhelming, and it really gets to me sometimes, but I can't actually stay in a bad mood. I always just push it to the back of my mind, and that's what causes a lot of the problems. I try to ignore my problems too much, and that gets me nowhere. So the only other option I seem to have is venting. So I vent to everyone around me and that makes me pretty annoying. Like JD. in Scrubs when he has problems and all of his friends have to take turns cause none of them feel like dealing with him.
I'm just grateful, for one, that I always have Justin there for me. We kind of equal each other out. I help him with his shit, he helps me with mine. My sister said that's a good thing, to find someone whose problems can balance yours out, so that you don't think the other one is too much, or that you're too much for them. I don't really have a lot of really close friends in school anymore. I'm not as close with Dave as we used to be, although I will admit it's been getting a lot better. I have Jimmy, but it's not like I see him much. There's Pat, of course. I always talk to him if I need to. He's a pain, but he's good to have. There's Ashley. She's usually there when I really need her, but there's no denying that we've changed a lot. We're not inseperable like we were back in October and November... even December. Some things change with the New Year, I guess. It's no one's fault, it just happens.
I talk to Mike and Collin and Rachel and what-not, but we're not really close. We're friends, and I care about all of them, but it's not like hang out all the time kind of close, although I do hang out with them on occasion.
I have Kara, but we go to different schools and we both have a lot going on. I talk to her a lot, but it's different from having someone who's right there all the time. She and I balance each other out, too. We both have our moods, and we really understand each other. I guess that happens when you've known someone as long as we've known each other. And there's Nina, but I almost never see her, and our conversations usually aren't very much anymore. I have Peaches, but I usually just joke around with him. Most of my friends are like that--more for joking around with than really being there for support.
I guess it all goes back to my need for a best friend figure in my life. A reliable best friend figure. Right now that's mainly centered around Kara and Justin. It's been Shoe and Austin for a while, but I mean, they don't even bother to call me anymore. Hell, they call Kara, but they don't call me. It bothers me, a lot, but it's not like it really matters. Everything with the two of them has changed. It's like they just keep getting closer and closer and I'm left out of the loop. It's always them on the phone with Joe, or Kara, or something. It's pretty lame, but it's not likely to change very soon.
Things with Bobby haven't been the same since we broke up. I feel bad about that, but I can't really help that I got over him. It was unfair for me to give him hope like that, I admit, but I didn't really mean to hurt him.
Oh, and then there's Alex. We talk on and off, I don't really understand what's going on with him most of the time.
I want something exciting to happen to me, so that I'm not bored all the time anymore. It's driving me nuts, I swear. It's like, I have nothing to do with my time. I wake up early on a Saturday, get up & dressed only to realize that I have nothing to do and nowhere to go, and wind up sitting in my room on the computer alone all day, getting up only to go roam the kitchen for food or maybe talk to my mom or something. And every now and then I'll spray Febreeze to remind me of what it's like to actually go outside. I know, that sounds sad. But I never leave the house anymore, except on Fridays, because for the past two and a half years, without a doubt, there's been at least someone I know at the mall on a Friday night, so, when all else fails, I go there. The mall is like my support because no matter how lonely I am, I'm going to be surrounded by people there. Same with St. John's or Recher. I love surrounding myself with people, no matter how much it bothers me that even when I'm with my friends, no one seems to acknowledge me.
So I feel the need to be exceedingly annoying, or repeat myself to get someone's attention. Half of my conversations are talking about the past because everything in the present seems useless. So I'm going to sit here and listen to Bright Eyes and drink orange soda, waiting for something exciting to happen. :/

Everything's okay...

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 05:12:17 GMT

Life, recently, is way too boring. Sure, there have been some fun tech days, but the play is going to be cancelled, most likely, and then I won't have any excuse to ever hang out with anyone. I'm tired of doing nothing on my Friday nights, and I'm tired of sitting home alone all weekend. Everyone seems to put me second, and I miss the best friend committment I always felt with Shoe. The only person I really actually talk to anymore is Justin.
I probably won't see Shoe till summer, since his mom is being a bitch and not wanting him to come back for spring break. I get to see Danielle in the end of May, but I'm looking forward to it more than most things in my life recently. This is just... lame. I wish things were more exciting. Hopefully I'm going to Hamilton on Saturday with a bunch of kids, and that'll make me feel a lot better. If we don't have school tomorrow, I'm tryna kidnap Justin, but I don't know how well that'll work, haha. I don't know, I'm just so done with everything. I'm tired of drama, and feeling unimportant.
I'm listening to the songs from the Scrubs episode "My Musical" and drinking iced tea, and that about sums up my life in a nutshell recently.

Balls.

You're Holding Your Breath for the Rest of Your Life

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 08:24:11 GMT

Life is crazy. I'm glad I have certain people, no matter what. Like Bobby. I don't know what the hell I would do without Bobby, sometimes. Seriously, I adore that kid. I'm supposed to hang out with Ashley tomorrow/today at this thing... This week is going to be crazy. I have play rehersals and stuff, which will be more fun now, although I have to deal with Cheeseburger. I at least get to talk to Dawn, Tim, Deanna, and Kaitlyn. The whole RachelXJustinXLizzieXDave thing is just crazy, and my parents are once again threatening my sanity with their constant arguing and bullshit. I emailed Ms. Doyle yesterday. I miss hanging out with Paul, a lot. I'm losing my mind, I swear. I feel so out of it, all the time.
I watched Superbad and Sky High and Sweeney Todd today. I talked to Galen and Dylan, and Lizzie and Justin and Nicole... I'm so ready to get out of this house for a while... but for now, I'll just wait for Bobby to call me.
Me and Justin are going to be superheroes. He's gonna be my sidekick, and his name will be Wonderlad. I still need a superhero name, but we're working on it. I want someone to come over and watch Sleepy Hallow with me. That'd be pretty awesome. And I'm really really really really tired of being single. Like, seriously, I'm gonna lose my mind eventually because of this. I hate feeling alone. Being single? Yeah, that makes me feel alone.
I think it'd be really cool if someone would sing to me. That's just a thought. I'm in a really weird mood. I want someone to do something cute/creative for me. Write me a poem. Write me a letter. Confess something to me. Anything. Just go out on a limb and do something new for me. I'm so tired of pretty much everything right now.

Bobby just called. I'm listening to Rise Against - Swing Life Away. It reminds me of Bobby, haha. We had a converation about it, once. And then we both had it on our myspaces for a while.
We're talking about inspirational quotes, haha.<3

At Least I Died After Finally Feeling Alive

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 06:45:44 GMT

This is the hilight of my day yesterday: Dave apologized to me. After like two months of hating me and not talking to me, he apologized for being a jerk, and I feel like things are actually okay again. My mom had to call her boss and ask for her job back, and she was really pissed and embarrassed, because she didn't want to, but she couldn't afford to quit. Play practice was fun. It was some talking about Tim, and a lot of talking to Deanna and Kaitlyn. I saw Kenny but only for a little while. As soon as we got to the mall he disappeared. I hung out with James and Collin and all those scene kids, but most of them weren't even talking to me, so there was like no point, so I hung out with Dan and Vince for a little bit, then I hung out with Zack and Eric for most of the rest of the night. Zack bought his big ass thing of protein mix or whatever, and they kept saying "You look hungry, eat something" and telling me to buy them shit. Zack was talking about getting a coat and I told him to steal one from someone. And Eric was talking about foot parties, and Zack started talking about Nina's feet. Then Dylan came. NO ROBOTS, THOUGH! You probably won't understand that at all. Haha, he's so weird and hilarious. XD And we wanted to go see Sweeney Todd but my momma wouldn't let me because it was already 9:00 so I had to go home, but I'm going to see it with him later today, since it's technically Saturday now.

This must be it, welcome to the new year.

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 09:33:54 GMT

Okay, so yes, it's four in the morning, and yes, I have school in two hours, but I finally remembered my livejournal password so I just had to make a post. Or multiple. Because I haven't in a while, since SEPTEMBER! and that makes me sad. ::emo tear:: Anyways, yesterday my mom quit her job. Great way to start the new year, I guess. I'm ridiculously messed up when it comes to my sleep schedule, but hopefully it will get better. I have play rehearsals today, which will basically be me sitting with Dawn and Deanna and talking about random things, and distracting Tim so he messes up his lines.
So Justin fucked up his face. [Poor Justin]. I realize I haven't posted in ages, so this is going to serve as a bit of a filler. I adore Ashley McElfresh. Around November/December, she and Paul pretty much became my best friends. We don't hang out as much anymore, but I love the hell out of them. Ashley's going out with Alex now, and Paul is going out with Fallon (go figure). Nicole and I started getting close again. Dave still hates me. That's kinda a long story. I talk to Dawn and Jess a lot more, and, now, Emily again, which makes me very, very happy. Ty is moving away in about three weeks, although I don't remember where he's going. Shoe is coming in like two weeks, and I'm excited and scared at the same time. Last time he came was in October, and it was really different and kinda awkward.
My sister came home for about a month. That was pretty awesome. We hung out a couple times. We saw Enchanted and made bracelets and watched Howl's Moving Castle. Her new dog is a psycho little fucker. She's in Kansas now, though. I won't see her again for a while, but I'll be able to go see her over summer.
I've met some awesome kids this year, though. Collin is almost a new person, and I started talking to him more again. I met James, who is truly one of my favorite people in the entire universe, and I met Sean (Collin calls him "Scene") and his friends Joe and Bruce. Howard isn't at LR anymore, though. I met Alex Hunt and I started talking to Zack Staley, Alex White, and Casey Vendetti. I pretty much love Ronni Santoni. She keeps me sane through Journalism. The class has yet to put one of my articles in the paper. I've hung out with Gordo and I've been texted non-stop by Evan. I met Zach Hamilton and I started talking to Ryan Carroll and Kevin Pham in art. I met Galen and seriously I love where I'm at in life right now.
Winter break just ended. My cousin's wife had a baby. I remember pretty much my entire winter break. Friday I went to Nina's and hung out with her, Tails, Joe, Bruce, and Sean. We watched Wayne's World and they played some acousit shit. Saturday I went to Ashley's and we watched Monty Python and Star Wars with Alex, Veronica, and Kayla. Sunday I went to my neighbor's Christmas party and I hung out with Sean and the Hammil bunch. Monday I went to see Sweeney Todd with Ashley and her mom. Tuesday was Christmas, and I went to my grandma's and I hung out with my sisters and my little cousin. We watched elf and ate a lot. Oh, and there were dangerously over-cooked weenies. Hahaha. Wednesday and Thursday I sat home doing basically nothing, talking to people and watching Scrubs DVDs. Friday I went to the mall with Kara and spent the night at her house, after seeing a bunch of people. Saturday we went back to the mall for a while. Sunday I went to Recher with Kara and Lauren, and Kara got mad at me so I hung out with Galen and Daniel for a while, then with Nicole and Steph. Then Monday I sat home and pretty much just reflected on my life, after a great dinner, haha. I talked to Galen, Bobby, Justin, and Ivan pretty much the whole night. Tuesday I sat on my ass doing nothing, and then it was back to school.
Also on New Years, Dylan and Stev both called me pretty nicely drunk, I'll say. Haha.
My sister also left on the 28th, I believe. My sleep schedule is fucked and ruined, but I'm working on fixing that. Haha. Anyways, I'm trying to stay optimistic with 2008. So far it's alright, and I'm hoping it'll stay good.
I'm going to start posting regularly again, by the way. I'm going to go waste some time before I go to school.

Vital Information for Your Everyday Life. [Not Really]

Sat, 15 Sep 2007 16:27:20 GMT

I still remember Britney Spears songs from third grade.

I know more about Harry Potter than most sane human beings.

I sing pretty constantly. If I'm sick, I'll whistle, even though I hate whistling.

I memoriezed the words to the third Harry Potter movie. [Azkaban]

I weigh eighty-three pounds. I'm not sure of my height as of now.

I'm obsessed with the concept of love, in general.

I'm a Christian. Lutheran, to be exact, and went to private school. [Five years]

I have a very weak stomach. Some foods, I can't handle at all.

I constantly wish I was someone else. I make up stories in my head.

I wish I was a vampire, thus, I love Stephenie Meyer's books a lot.

I love the word "Monster". You can find it on my knuckles sometimes.

I'm afraid of bugs. Pretty much all of them. They creep me out.

I'm amazingly paranoid. This is because of living with my dad.

I hate snakes, frogs, and algae eaters. Don't ask about the last one.

I'm afraid of driving a car because I have a short attention span.

I can't pay attention to anything, unless I try really hard.

I have a great memory at times, horrid at others.

I have light obsessive compulsive disorder. It's common in my family.

I have never been drunk or done drugs. Slightly proud of that fact.

I'm highly nostalgic. Thus, I take pictures constantly so I can look back on it.

I love feeling close to people (but not when it's Pat laying on me on the bus.)

I'm easily jealous, although I love making people jealous. Bad habit.

I love the idea of magic. Mainly because of Harry Potter & The Prestige.

I've always wanted to meet Peter Pan. Neverland would be sweet.

I have a lot of self-respect for myself, and pretty strong morals.

I've been watching Kevin Smith [Jay and Silent Bob] movies since elementary school.

I HATE getting in trouble, with anyone. It stresses me out, so I avoid it.

I'm always sharing my feelings, whether you want me to or not. Sorry.

I love kids, being around them and stuff. As long as they don't drool.

I love art, period. Any form of art is amazing to me. [Blame my grandma.]

I want to be a writer. Possibly of a magazine, then of books.

I want to have Steven's job. [From Steven's Untitled Rock Show]

I'm bad at keeping secrets unless it's really, really important.

I used to live in a trailer park. :D Then in Dundalk. [Equally bad.]

I love animals, and they generally love me. My mom's the same way.

I hate yelling. I hate when people don't listen to me.

A LOT of my best friends move away. [Colorado, Michigan, Ohio, Penn...]

My sister is my absolute favorite member of my family; hands down.

I read a lot of books. A LOT of books. I re-read them a lot, too.

I have insomnia pretty badly. I only sleep during the day, if I'm exhausted.

I love to go bowling. We used to go every week on Fridays.

I'm at the mall pretty constantly. I know it like the back of my hand.

Judy Schuman is my second mom. My third is Nancy Morgan. I swear.

I love peach cake. Buy me one and I'll love the hell out of you.

Most of my favorite foods, I eat too much. Thus, they make me nauseas.

I dream about Aaron Gillespie A LOT. [I did last night; he was a wizard.]

I ADORE photography. I would spend all my time taking pictures if I could.

I'm critical, and at times, very judgemental. I'm working on it.

I sometimes feel that it's my purpose in life to make fun of people.

When I'm out in public, I forget how much I hate myself, & focus on hating others.

I lose respect for people easily. [Especially dropouts. (*cough*Joe*cough*)

I think fake eyebrows look stupid. Don't bitch because I'm honest.

Hair extensions look really fucking gross. I don't know why people have them.

Hello Kitty is gay, and you're a retard if you think it's 0mG sc3n3!!1!

Energy drinks taste like shit. Monsters are gross. So are all the others.

Bright coloured Nikes are generally gay and don't match anything.

Once again, those are my opinions. I don't care if you disagree.

I want to learn to play Dungeons & Dragons. If it becomes scene, I'll laugh.

Batman and Nightcrawler are the best comic book characters ever.

I watch football. ONLY the Pittsburgh Steelers.<3 It's a family thing.

I'm afraid of being robbed, and I hate my house at night.

I hate myself pretty generally. I always want to change something.

I hate not knowing things, and being left out of shit with my friends.

I sleep a lot; generally because I like to dream.

There are a lot of words I repeat a lot. [Currently: Ridiculous.]

I have braces. They suck, a lot. They were supposed to be off by now.

I have a habit of walking with my feet turned in. Ballet never helped.

I took ballet and tap dancing for a while. I blame my grandmother.

I have to cross my legs when I stand, or I'll fall over. [No balance.]

I grew up with a lot of imaginary friends. More imaginary than real.

I sometimes forget I have a sister, even though I have three. Go figure.

Chad Novak is my biggest source of self-esteem.

It Starts Today

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 01:32:15 GMT

Well, actually, tech starts tomorrow. Which is AWESOME! I'm highly excited. I adore tech.<3 Um, I have to completely restart my iPod, which is a pain in the ass, but at least I've got it working again. So right now I'm downloading a shitload of music and uploading CDs onto the computer. It would be A LOT easier if I would've just done it on my other computer, except I don't want to risk not having internet on the comp. in my room if I need to update my iPod again. Luckily I'll be able to add songs to my iPod on a regular or semi-regular basis now.
The weekend was fun. Friday I went mallin' with Pat, Fallon, and Nicole. Chilled with some kids, saw Shifflett, talked to Alayna some, talked to the Andersons and TIMOFEY!! I love Tim. Made fun of Collin, saw Kevin, saw other kids... Meghan.<3 I love Meghan. And um, Brittany R... and Tails, Bryan, Carlos, and Larry. Talked to Jon but I didn't see him. It was fun, though. Oh, and I chilled with my best friend Dave. AND I bought a ticket from Brandon Hurn (although I doubt I'll be able to go. But I'll try.)
Saturday I spent the night at my cousins' house. It was fun. We watched movies and went to the book store and shit.
Sunday I watched America's Next Top Model. Megan Hurka shares my love of the show. :) Today was just kinda dull... I'm kind of sick. Not very, but still enough to make me feel gross.
Oh, and now I sit next to Maria in math.

Ehh,

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 23:17:36 GMT

My parents are at back to school night. I'm supposed to be cleaning my room. I feel like I haven't talked to Nina in ages. Or Shoe. I talked to both of them like, yesterday. I don't know. I'm in a weird mood. I'm always in a weird mood. My tongue hurts, from biting it in my sleep. I started writing a book. I finished a chapter. It's called I am Monster, thus the myspace name, and why I wrote MONSTER! on my knuckles all week.
So I'm joining book club. XD Anddd... I can't wait for tech to start. T'will be fun. I want to see Alex Musick.
Skylar saluted me today. Just thought I'd throw that in here. And my brother called Ms. Lambert a beuraucratic bitch. AVID feild trip on the 28th. Book club starts the 19th. The 20th is an AVID site team meeting, which I'm going to. Tuesday, me and Nicole are staying after school to help out Ms. McChillen with some stuff for the AVID room. I can't wait until we go to Genesee Valley with the 9th graders. I already have favorites in that class. (Jesse's still the coolest.)
I need a name for my main guy character in my book. Suggestions are appreciated. Jess and I are going to start a new project. Umm. In journalism, we just kind of sit and do nothing all class while the seniors and shit plan stuff for the paper. I talk to Ronni and Ribe a lot. Joe Opdyke is still a douche, but apparently we're friends now, so that's kinda cool. :D